Websites of the Week Extravaganza!

Hello everyone!

I've been so very busy with AmeriCorps and everything else that I nearly forgot to keep updating my "website of the week" portion of the blog...

Fear not! I've got over a month's worth (not a "moth's worth" like my tiny fingers really wanted me to write) of websites for you to browse and enjoy. Let's get started!






Babeland: With locations in Seattle and New York, Babeland is a female owned and operated adult store with a diverse range of products and an online store. They're also queer friendly and feminist friendly.

According to online reviews, the atmosphere is really comfortable and one might feel like they're free to ask questions without concern. The space is clean and well-lit, their toys are pricey but focus on quality, and most of their staff are very friendly. Some negative reviews included the prices, some
unfriendly staff, and the small selection of products compared to their online catalog. Links to reviews can be found at the bottom of the page.

Sexplanations: Some of you may remember a woman from SciShow who brought in a replica clitoris to explain how it all actually works. Well, she has her own Youtube channel called "Sexplanations". Dr. Lindsey Doe and colleagues have put together a web series to inform others about positive sexuality, anatomy, parenting, and other topics! I love watching it and I think it's amazing.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkxMlA7rt-mnIc1AjbyAsPw

Adam & Eve: Okay, so I'm a little biased about this shop. There's one down the street from my place and I've got friends who work there. All of that aside, I find that this shop is one of the easiest places to get started when it comes to toys. They're located throughout the U.S. and also have an online catalog. 

For most people, shopping in-store works perfectly and there isn't a whole lot of hassle. However, the reviews for their online store is almost entirely negative. Orders not showing up on time, claims about free products that were not true, and atrocious customer service are some of the many thing I've seen while looking up reviews. Though this is problematic and can paint the entire chain of stores as being irresponsible, I don't think it has a lot to do with the people who work in the stores. If you have the choice, I'd recommend visiting one of their many locations rather than purchasing online. You'll likely have a better experience overall and get to play around with the merchandise before buying. 


Oh Joy Sex Toy: Erika Moen created this webcomic series to do reviews on sex toys and go into more educational things. It began in 2011 and grew in popularity since then. Topics that have been covered include toys, pregnancy, sexuality, relationships and more. They also feature guests! 

http://www.ohjoysextoy.com/new-readers/

The Sex Positive Parent: Airial Clark is a sexologist, parenting expert, and writer for the sex positive parent website. She writes a blog about how to discuss sex with your child and how to make them aware of what a positive sexuality is. She offers counseling, coaching, articles, and more. I liked reading her take on Polly Whitaker. 

http://www.thesexpositiveparent.com

Babeland reviews - New York
http://www.yelp.com/biz/babeland-new-york

Babeland reviews - Seattle
http://www.yelp.com/biz/babeland-seattle


Thanks for reading! Please let me know if there's anything you'd like me to cover. I am also available on Facebook, Twitter, and by email.

Introducing "Website of the Week"!

Hello, friends! 

As you know, I don't do reviews of toys by now. I'm...kinda broke...and sex toys are expensive. However, I am pleased to introduce my reviews on websites that involve erotica, toys, and more! I will eventually take requests to review sites that you enjoy or want to know more about. 


Let's get started with a site that I just found called Sonic Erotica

Sonic Erotica is essentially an audio library of erotic short stories, sensual sounds, and interviews with people about their sexual interests. This site seems to have been around since 2010, so they're not very old. Their "About Us" section mentions that they make these erotic audio recordings with the visually impaired in mind. Overall, they seem to have an inclusive environment and are striving to keep it. 

I went on the website and listened to some of their recordings. They're actually pretty good! Their stories are sexy and fun, but not over the top. Thus far, I have noticed that most of their audio involved a female lead or protagonist. Most, if not all, files are downloadable as MP3s, too.

I would like to note that their submission section mentions that there will be no non-consensual sex, bestiality, or sex with aliens (which I can only assume refers to some hentai). Depending on what you plan to write, this site could purchase a license from you to use your work or commission you. Pretty awesome for erotica writers!

Cons: If you want to write or perform for Sonic Erotica, you'd have to relocate to Melbourne, Australia. But they do record over the phone, in some cases. Thus far, not a huge selection of work. 

Interested in some titillating tales? Check 'em out at their website! 
http://sonicerotica.com/

Still Surviving - Trauma and Sex

Trauma can hit hard and leave emotional scars. But those who face it every day aren't less of a person for it. They still need love, affection, companionship, and friendship. But what about sexual relationships? How can we use consent to make each partner comfortable? 

Let's start with being open and honest with your partner(s) about what you're looking for in this relationship. For example, if you're absolutely certain that you're ready to have sex with this person then the both/all of you should get tested to make sure you're being safe. That might seem like a pain to do, considering how long it takes for the test results to come in versus how active your libido might be, but it would create a safe space for everyone. 

Communication is a huge thing, as I've mentioned before. Sexual energy is a powerful thing to experience, but it would be hard to hold that and keep in mind anything you've experienced in the past. For example, if you have endured sexual assault or rape, you may have difficulties trusting someone enough to have sex again. A kiss or caress could make you severely uncomfortable. This does not make you weak or a coward. You're amazing for loving again! It is understandable and your partner(s) should be supportive in your endeavors. You deserve to have a healthy sex life, if you want one. This does mean you should work with your partner to make it safe for you and them. Perhaps starting with trust exercises to build intimacy and talking about sex might be a good start. 

Survivors of PTSD may have a completely different outlook on sex. Instead of anxiety, those with PTSD tend to be less interested in sex. They also tend to become numb to most emotions, indifferent to anything that might take them out of their numbness. This is because staying numb is synonymous
with safety to them. Male-identified survivors may also experience erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation. Experts suggest treating the PTSD in order to increase sexual interest. 




Here are some ways you can make a comfortable environment for yourself and your partners(s):
Being clear: One can say "no", "I'm not interested", "I'm don't like this" or other words to indicate they're not ready or having a good experience. 
Patience: It's easy to get caught up in the moment, but taking it slow can also be sexy. It is also important when you're with someone who has dealt with sexual assault. Re-traumatization could occur when the survivor is triggered by sexual acts. 
Talking it out: Maybe you or your partner(s) aren't ready for sex. This is totally okay! Sure, one might feel guilty for not wanting to have sex but it would be beneficial to enjoy sex at a time when you're ready. 

Please let me know if there is anything you feel is missing, if I got something wrong, or if you'd like me to change something. I am not a trauma survivor, but I am an ally. 

Here are some links for light reading!
http://vitaminw.co/society/what-consent-looks
http://vitaminw.co/culture-society/gift-of-fear-brings-reflecton-feeling-friday
http://www.whereversexhappens.com/

Fifty Shades of Grey - Totally Not BDSM

Yes, I'm sure you knew that I was going to make this blog post eventually. But it needs to be done! 

The contrasts between actual BDSM /S&M relationships and what is depicted in Fifty Shades of Grey should be made by someone who would rather inform others of what actual kinky relationships like these are about, not some Twilight fan fiction with bondage and undertones of abuse. 

I take books and sexual lifestyles seriously, so sit down. 

What is BDSM?

- It is made up of a few pairs of words. Bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism. 

- Has the motto of being safe, sane, and consensual.

- Involves different protocol, etiquette, and behaviors based on the sub/dom relationship.

- Often has a "safe word" in case someone is feeling uncomfortable.

- Can lead to happy and more confident lifestyles.

In some instances, the dom controls the sub with protocols. If it's high protocol, the sub is doing everything for their dom to please them and staying by their side. Medium protocol is a step down, perhaps involving just listening to their dom. 

This doesn't mean that there isn't abuse in some BDSM relationships. Sometimes submissives don't know what kind of person their dominant is. This is why we connect with others and share experiences. 

What BDSM is not

- A right to abuse/injure another person. 

- It's not always caused by an abusive childhood or other trauma, as mentioned in FSaG.

- About the sub being "weak"

- All about flogging, humiliation, pain, and discipline all the time. You're still humans and you need time to be cared for.

Doing some research about the book, I found that there are several instances of abuse or undertones of it. I will fully admit that I have never read the book myself and do not intend to. If I want erotica, I'll go to the professionals like A. N. Roquelaure (aka Anne Rice), Anaïs Nin, and other wonderful authors. But I digress...

Christian Grey begins stalking Ana and later admits to it, gets her drunk so she can't give consent, manipulates/intimidates her, becomes possessive, uses threatening language and eventually threatens her, has her sign a contract to not discuss what they do to anyone else, doesn't consider her lack of sexual knowledge and uses it against her, controls her body and eventually rapes her! Don't believe me? Check out this nugget of text. 

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com
/736x/aa/7b/78/aa7b785ea
2e6e04104d64d4780f77988.jpg

No” – I protested, trying to kick him off. He stops. “If you struggle, I’ll tie your feet together too. If you make a noise, Anastasia, I will gag you. Keep quiet. Katherine is probably outside listening, right now”

Overall, I this book severely mangles what a proper, healthy connection with BDSM is. Don't read it, keep away from it unless it's for research on smut. 

If you want some homework to do, check out these sites on healthy/unhealthy BDSM relationships. 

http://kimdebron.tripod.com/id2.html

http://www.xojane.com/sex/a-beginners-guide-to-having-a-bdsm-relationship

http://www.positivelysexual.com/alternatives/bdsmrelations.htm

For reviews on 50 Shades of Grey

http://www.scarleteen.com/blog/joey/2013/09/02/50_shades_of_bs_how_to_tell_the_difference_between_kink_and_abuse

http://www.theatlantic.com/features/archive/2015/02/consent-isnt-enough-in-fifty-shades-of-grey/385267/

https://50shadesofabuse.wordpress.com/

http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychological-aspects-of-bdsm-0606124

Finally, a message to E L James.

Going All Night - How Long Do Men Last?

"'The minimum duration of sex—including seduction, foreplay, and intercourse—should be about 30 minutes. "Anything under half an hour is not satisfying to a woman,' Cadell says." [MensHealth.com, Have the Sex Life You Dream Of]

Maybe it's just my heightened libido or imagination, but that doesn't seem long at all. Perhaps it's the social media pushing their stereotypes of what sex should look like, sound like, and be like that makes us think that sex should last longer and is going to be the greatest thing in the world! Which is wrong, by the way. Coffee is the greatest thing in the world. Right next to games, nature, tattoos, and Markiplier.

So how long does a guy typically last versus how long they "should" last? Depending on how long men last, what does premature ejaculation look like? It's going to be sticky and messy, but we've got it. 

That was a little gross...

How long does a guy last?
Typically, a man lasts about 10 minutes before he comes. Some men last longer depending on their situation. According to some articles online, sex should last about 16 minutes without counting foreplay. That's isn't going to happen all of the time. 

That's great, but what if I come too fast?
Taking some information from WebMD, approximately 20-30% of men have premature ejaculation. Studies show that guys who deal with premature ejaculation last about 5 minutes. But this isn't always what it looks like. Some men would say that they have it, but can continue having sex after they ejaculate while others say that they don't have it and may only last for a minute. Sometimes men don't even orgasm as they ejaculate! However, coming quickly isn't always a bad thing (well, your partner/partners may think otherwise). 

In the past, we had to keep our population up in order to survive and eventually thrive. If you were having sex for the sole purpose of making a baby, you're not as worried about how long you'd last or how to please your partner. But now that making our population larger isn't a problem, our social views on this have changed. Now it's all about the pleasure, excitement, and fun you can have during sex. 

What can help a fellow last longer? (I'm running out of slang terms for men...)
There are a few theories of how a man can last longer, unless he has a medical condition. Some ideas are: eating more fruit, getting some exercise, and managing your stress. In fact, the more stressed men are while trying to get another erection, the less likely they are to achieve their goal because they're likely to become hard during a relaxed state. Other theories depend on the interest in sex at that time and the sexual positions used. Some positions can help a man last longer than usual. 

A few things to remember: 
Guys, you're not your penis. Your self-worth shouldn't be determined by how big you are, how long you last, etc. Do your best and try being creative! If you can't have sex the way you want to or you finish too early, perhaps talking to your partner(s) about what they'd like to try instead. 
Don't compare yourself to porn stars. Though they seem to be able to come on command and last for hours, they've probably taken a few things or are terribly gifted. You're awesome the way you are; no need to feel less-than. 

If you have anything to add to this article, please send me a message and I'll be happy to find a place for it. Otherwise, stay safe and thanks for reading!

Awkward & Sweaty - Puberty

Puberty! 

Aww yeah! Nothing quite like raging hormones to kick you into adulthood. From mood swings and bloating to wet dreams and sweating, most people can agree that it sucks. You're always feeling weird, you sometimes develop pimples and weight gain. It's not the best. But here's the basics, just in case you need some assistance.

For intersex individuals (those whose sex attributes aren't identifiable as male or female), their characteristics are usually more noticeable during puberty.

For trans* identified young people, delaying puberty before it occurs allows them to mature to the gender they are transitioning to via hormone blockers.

Puberty generally begins around 8-14 for girls and 10-14 for boys.

Girls

7-13   Breast growth 

8-14   Pubic hair growth & curling 

8-15   Vagina growth

9-16   Periods begin 

9-14   Body growth 

11-16   Underarm hair growth 

11-16   Pimples & blemishes 

During puberty, your hips get wider and waist gets smaller. This is because your body is preparing for potential childbirth. This doesn't mean you have to have kids, it's just how your body works.

Vaginal discharge: Sounds gross, doesn't it? I used to get scared when I saw this. I thought that I was pregnant because I masturbated. But this isn't anything like that and it doesn't mean you're pregnant. It's a fluid that cleans and moistens your vagina. It can look yellow, white, or both. Usually, you'll find it on your underwear or pants, if you don't wear underwear. This is natural and normal, so don't freak out! But if it's painful, itchy, or smelly, you should call your doctor or talk to your guardians. You may even visit a health center near you for an anonymous check-in. Until then, you can avoid awkward situations with the family by wearing pantiliners or pads.

Express yourself – Sometimes during puberty, you become more confident and are able to express yourself better. Though you will become emotional and cry often. Don't worry, you're going to be okay. Crying is a part of getting your period. Remember to take time for yourself, take care of your body, and try therapeutic methods before snapping (count to 10, take a few deep breaths).

Boys

10-13   Testicular growth 

10-13   Pubic hair growth & curl

10-16   Bodily growth 

11-15   Penis grows 

11-15   Voice gets deeper 

11-17   Potency (you're able to

make babies)

12-17   Underarm hair growth 

12-17   Pimples & blemishes 

Voice cracking is part of your voice getting deeper. You'll sound funny for a little while, but it will clear up in time.

Ejaculation and wet dreams will be an experience for you guys. Sometimes you'll wake up with an erection, sometimes referred to as “morning wood”. This is normal, you're not a weirdo. You'll also experience sexual dreams and wake up with an erection or having ejaculated. Again, totally normal. Masturbation is one option to deal with these problems, but if you're opposed to it or you can't do it due to personal or spiritual matters, try taking a cold shower. You're not sinful or wrong for having this, you're human.

Eat plenty of fruits & veggies! I know, it sounds like something you'd hear from your parents or doctors. But it really helps! Because girls go through PMS, they lose blood and may be iron-deficient or anemic. Eating beans, spinach, or eggs will help keep their iron up. Also be sure to get enough calcium and fatty acids. And unlike sodas or energy drinks, you can drink water all the time and that will solve a lot of problems (like dehydration). Also get some Protein to build muscle and Zinc to regrow DNA.

Aside from physical care, be sure to take good emotional care of yourself. Have someone there for you when you need to talk like a therapist, parent/guardian, loved one, friend, counselor, and even me! :) These health tips come from Www.mom.me

Masturbation – Jigglin' your Joystick!

Along with those wonderfully confusing hormones come sexual feelings. But let's clear up some of those cobwebs full of myths about masturbation.

• You won't go blind from masturbating.
  
  
  
• You won't become sterile from masturbating.
• It doesn't make you oversexed, promiscuous, or a sexual deviant.
• It isn't sinful, wrong, or sick.

Perhaps these are liberal views of masturbation, but I don't think it makes anyone feel awesome thinking that they're perverts for experimenting with self-pleasure.  

There are different rules for different family groups. Some say that masturbation is against their religion; some are more open and accepting of it. If it were up to me, I'd allow teens to just explore themselves. Sex shouldn't be shameful, especially if it's with yourself.

Excessive masturbation may be a sign of something other than puberty. If a teen is masturbating frequently, it could be a tip-off of:

• being over-stressed
• pre-occupation of sexual fantasies
• not enough attention at home
• sexual abuse

Understand that parents might worry that teaching their kids about sex will make them more sexually active, but that isn't always true. Teaching your kids about sex will decrease their curiosity and urge to find out what it's like themselves. Parents might also believe that all their children want is sex when they're a teen. However, most teens say that the one thing they want is companionship. They're looking for a partner rather than a sexual relationship. But I digress. 

As always, please remember that masturbating is private. You can explore to your heart's content, as long as you do so within your bedroom or bathroom.

Thanks to www.healthychildren.org for help with puberty information!

Visit My New Page!

Hey everyone! I made a Webs.com account and also made a safer sex site over there. It's like a glorified version of this with more stuff. But it's fun to look at, so please stop by!

The blog will remain up and running, the site is a fun side project.

http://insidelukasbedroom.webs.com/

Hope to see you there!

- Luka