Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Is It on the Right Way? - External "Male" Condom Advice

Ah, the external condom. There's never been a more hilarious and important thing. Not using protection like this may have serious consequences, but condoms have also given birth (no pun intended) to a variety of funny slang words: slicker, raincoat, gummies, papa-stopper, love glove, cock sock, jimmy hat, etc. Dear gods, the list goes on and on.  

But no matter what we call it, do most of us even know how to use it? True, if you're from my generation, you probably sat in health class with a condom and a phallic fruit, making uncomfortable faces as you hopelessly slid the lubed-up Johnny Bag over that poor, unfortunate banana. After a moment like that, I wouldn't want to remember how to actually use that thing! Thankfully, my local health center helped out in making this a lot more comfortable. Sure, they bribed us into learning how to properly put an external condom onto a fake, wooden penis by telling us later that they'd show us how to get creative and use our mouths to execute the same maneuver, but I learned all the same.

The external condom looks like this:
 Not all of them are this pretty, blue color.

Now for what you've been looking for - how to use it.

Step 1: CHECK THE EXPIRATION DATE! If it's a condom that has been given to you by a considerate adults 20 years ago, don't put it on yo' willy (or inside anyone's body). Look for the date on the side of the condom.

Step 2: Before opening the condom, press your thumb and pointer finger between the center of the condom and squeeze gently. You should feel a pocket of air. That's good, it means that it hasn't been messed with. If you don't feel it, don't use this condom and find a new one. Someone may have thought that poking holes in condoms would be a fun hobby, and poked one in the condom you picked up.

Step 3: Open the condom package. Now, I know that you're in a rush to get to business, but don't open it with your teeth. Or if you do, make sure the condom is pushed against the side of the package, away from your teeth. You don't want to tear a hole in the condom. Don't use scissors, either! There should be an indentation on the package where you can tear it open.

 Step 4: When you begin to put it on your sexual partner, make sure it looks like a little penis sombrero! You'll never get that image out of your head :) Ole!

Making a "penis sombrero" means that it will be easier to roll the condom over the penis (or whatever you're using, I don't judge). If it's not a sombrero, flip it over.

Step 5: Before rolling the condom over the shaft, pinch the tip of the condom, then begin rolling. Pinching the tip means that there's no air bubble trapped inside, and semen can easily collect in the tip of the condom.

Alright, now go have fun!

Done? Okay! Now let's get that condom off. There aren't a whole lot of steps here.

Allow the penis to calm itself down and return to its limp state. Take the end of the condom that's closest to the base of the penis with two fingers, hold the other end of the condom with your other two fingers, and gently slide it off.

Throw it away in the trash, NOT THE TOILET! You want to dispose of the evidence, not allow it to back up the whole thing and leave you with explaining to do when someone finds it in the septic system.

If for any reason you're doing yo' thang in a car or other fun places (I don't judge! You've gotta get creative sometimes. Not all relationships are the same or are as accommodating when it comes to sex), please be kind and wrap up the condom in a napkin or something like that. You can throw it away later, and you won't be littering. Most importantly, you will have little to no chance of it slapping up against the side of the car and blowing in the breeze as you drive down the highway. Nothing yells "I just had sex!" like a 100% used latex car decal...

I hope that you have enjoyed these instructions and have learned a lot. Please feel free to give feedback, leave comments, and ask questions.

I'm going to add another post about what else you can do with an external condom, because it doesn't end here :)

Have fun!

*Note: I do not own the rights to any of these pictures, I found them on Google Images*


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  2. Cock sock! Love it. I can't say I'm a good at doing all those things, especially checking the date. (if I'm putting it in my mouth, I would fo sho) But checking for the air pocket is a great idea. We certainly wouldn't want any accidental babies, now would we? I would gently remind anyone who's working with lube prior to opening a condom package that you would save yourself a world of trouble if you WIPE YOUR HANDS first. Many a night have we struggled with the cursed slipperiness of lube. If you're a smoker (or ever were) its kinda like having a cigarette and no way to light it. It's infuriating!

    Always remember to laugh when things go unexpectedly, people take sex way too seriously and put lots of pressure on themselves, and that makes it way less enjoyable and fun.

    I'd also like to point out that flavored condoms are not for use in the vagina! Its like asking for a UTI. Have fun with the flavored if you're doing oral but switch it up if you're putting that thang elsewhere.


    1. Most definitely! I didn't think about wiping your hands. Also, make sure that if the condom is flavored, don't use it for vaginal sex as it will create a yeast infection later on.